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Hope from solemnity


If there’s a fear more real than anything in the world to me..it’s the fear of vulnerability.
Vulnerability in the sense that I could ever be in a position not to be in control of what I do or say.
The twist of it is I could also be vulnerable and in a position to say what I believe or i know deep down but should remain deep down for everyone’s good.
For the nineteen heading to twenty years I’ve been alive..that’s all I’ve seen alcohol do..
Making people we know to be who they ain’t ( or who they really are)
Causing me hurt over and over till I can’t stand the smell of drunkenness (not the alcohol).I can’t stand the sluggish speech..not the ‘wisdom’ that comes with it.
It’s in those drunk words that I realised my place
.and what i’m up against.
It’s there that I realised how tough it’s gonna get.
It’s there that reality set in after crying my eyes to mornings.
But in the same words I realised how much greatness i had that it intimadated from a far.
It’s also then that I realised how distinct a character I am.
In the tears, I found my strength and most importantly found God.

So I won’t victimize myself all my days..I won’t feed the urge to get a counselor in the conviction that i’m an emotional wreck.
I know the trauma will never go..that one I know because everytime I hear the door on those nights, I feel my heart leave me..I haroom he words and shouts and everything all so loud in my head.
Pardon my arrogance as it appears to be , i’m just a scared girl trying to make it through the night.
As you nurse your hangover..I’ll be trying to find pieces of my broken dreams.. Broken heart..broken self.
I’ll still look into that mirror and walk out with the conviction that i’m much more than I slept believing I was.
Only because I made outside my room and out into the world as if it was just another bad dream last night.

#Cate#Ndich

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